Saturday, 25 April 2015
Friday, 24 April 2015
Who am I, Why am I, What am I...?
Why do I have an unrelenting urge to blog? What could I possibly talk about that would interest anyone? What is a blog? Who reads blogs? Could I make money off a blog? Should I blog? ... Why not!!! (did I just make a decision??)
Where do I start...? Anyone who knows me well, knows my brain does not stop... what could possibly fill it...? Who knows, I don't. It's a lot of mumbo jumbo really. It is exhausting not being able to find the off switch I can assure you....can I write it all down? Generally speaking - no ...when I think about making notes so I know what I'm doing, or put my good, and not so good ideas on paper, my mind freaks slightly ...OK ... not slightly...it completely shuts off...maybe I can work on this by blogging...? If someone reads it good...if someone learns something from it great...if someone relates to it even better - it will at least give you peace in knowing you and your crazy mind are not alone!
5 years ago, my grandfather passed away... one of the last things he said to me was; "Stop thinking so much" (the other was; "how did you get so beautiful" - a story for another day). After this, I vowed to myself that I would start to pay attention to who I am, why I am and what I am, why? because life is short and you never know what will happen tomorrow. I haven't come anywhere near a conclusion however, did realise that my Grandpa knew me better then I knew myself. Perhaps if I could in fact 'stop thinking so much', I could work out what this life wants out of me. I might then learn who, why and what I am doing here.
Some days are a complete blur...I don't even remember getting up...or going to bed for that matter...why? Because I can't stop thinking! Back to 'what do I think about'?
Lets see, I think about the my husband and our 3 boys... and if that isn't enough, I think about; money - how I make it and how I spend it. Can I make more..or should I just keep buying lotto tickets?; work - what I need to do, what I did do, what I didn't do...why did this client say that, and that client say this...do my staff love me, or maybe they hate me...the boss! what does the boss think?; fitness - what I could of and should of done yet haven't; weight - ties in with fitness doesn't it; food - ties in with fitness and weight, also - what I will cook, what I won't and my husband will (don't tell his mother he does most of the cooking of late), what I ate, what I didn't eat, what I should of eaten, what I shouldn't have; coffee - too much, not enough...triple shot; or tea...herbal, black...green or roobois..?; wine - that's it...that will see me thru the day... its 5 o'clock somewhere... health; mine, family and friends, even strangers; house - furniture, decorations, colours - the mess the cleanliness (this is tough living with 4 boys); the car - its a wardrobe, lunch box, medicine cabinet, jewellery stand, dirt pit, refrigerator, Tupperware cupboard, toy shelf and nappy bag...apparently, people are also attracted to it...in ways like running into it when its packed, keying the sides, stealing the light covers....its a million dollar car...which leads me to the million dollar dog...again, a story for another day!! Study; too hard or suck it up and get on with it...?
There is plenty more where that came from, these are the basics...and while all of us think of these things.. I do it daily... many multiple times a day...continuously... Is this normal? am I normal? what is normal? Is this me? who am I? why am I? what am I?...there are so many questions in this world that need answers...some days I feel that they are all in MY head!
I walk into daycare...erkkk..what do these people think of me... do other parents thinks I'm a bad mother, too young, too old? I go to the school assembly...erkkk..do the teachers think im a bogan with bogan kids? am I a bogan? what is a bogan? I could be a bogan...? I walk to the post office...erkkk.. do passer byers see that pimple, is my make up to dark, is my hair to fluffy...? I go to work...erkkk..is my uniformed ironed, am I early enough, am I too early, will I make someones day, will my treatments be good enough? I answer the phone...erkkk...is it good news, bad news, an overdue bill, a sick child to collect - OMG....stop! brain... you need to stop...! why... your killing me... slowly...its like having the hairs on your entire body twezzed...one at a time, well at least what I image it would be like... I am a beauty therapist so I have a pretty good understanding of what that may feel like - torture...! Unless I do it - then I will make it the most relaxing 'every hair on your body twezze' that you have ever had... or will I? Did another beauty therapist do it better? See exhausting right - Imagine how my husband feels!!! he lives with me!
I used to pass out when I hit the pillow...even before I hit the pillow, now I lay there awake... I worry and stress...my perfectly normal abnormal brain turns things into what they are not...normal? I wonder why I think and analyse so much? Do you? I mean, I don't think I'm beautiful and that's why I worry what people think, I don't want a million beautiful possessions, although maybe it would be nice, I don't even want a billion trillion dollars...a million would be enough... but for some reason my brain feels that I am not good enough...It feels that everyone only sees the bad in me.. Do they? Or is it just the simple fact that I don't know who I am, why I am or what I am, that leads me to feel and think like this...? Do I need to answer these questions first? And then my brain will find peace in who, why and what I am? Or will I always want to please everyone but never succeed?
GUILT - WIKIPEDIA states:
Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.[1]It is closely related to the concept of remorse. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_%28emotion%29
Is guilt the reason why I have all these thoughts ? Guilt towards my hubby and kids for working hard, not cooking meals, being at sports events, making craft and having a messy house...? Guilt towards work, for not working hard enough? Guilt towards my family and friends for not giving them enough of myself? Guilt towards myself for putting on weight, drinking too much coffee...or too much wine, not exercising ...not being the best I can? Who knows...?
Why can't I figure out Who I am, why I am, what I am...? I'll see if I can provide you with an answer next post... :)
Much love, and thinking... Xx
Where do I start...? Anyone who knows me well, knows my brain does not stop... what could possibly fill it...? Who knows, I don't. It's a lot of mumbo jumbo really. It is exhausting not being able to find the off switch I can assure you....can I write it all down? Generally speaking - no ...when I think about making notes so I know what I'm doing, or put my good, and not so good ideas on paper, my mind freaks slightly ...OK ... not slightly...it completely shuts off...maybe I can work on this by blogging...? If someone reads it good...if someone learns something from it great...if someone relates to it even better - it will at least give you peace in knowing you and your crazy mind are not alone!
5 years ago, my grandfather passed away... one of the last things he said to me was; "Stop thinking so much" (the other was; "how did you get so beautiful" - a story for another day). After this, I vowed to myself that I would start to pay attention to who I am, why I am and what I am, why? because life is short and you never know what will happen tomorrow. I haven't come anywhere near a conclusion however, did realise that my Grandpa knew me better then I knew myself. Perhaps if I could in fact 'stop thinking so much', I could work out what this life wants out of me. I might then learn who, why and what I am doing here.
Some days are a complete blur...I don't even remember getting up...or going to bed for that matter...why? Because I can't stop thinking! Back to 'what do I think about'?
Lets see, I think about the my husband and our 3 boys... and if that isn't enough, I think about; money - how I make it and how I spend it. Can I make more..or should I just keep buying lotto tickets?; work - what I need to do, what I did do, what I didn't do...why did this client say that, and that client say this...do my staff love me, or maybe they hate me...the boss! what does the boss think?; fitness - what I could of and should of done yet haven't; weight - ties in with fitness doesn't it; food - ties in with fitness and weight, also - what I will cook, what I won't and my husband will (don't tell his mother he does most of the cooking of late), what I ate, what I didn't eat, what I should of eaten, what I shouldn't have; coffee - too much, not enough...triple shot; or tea...herbal, black...green or roobois..?; wine - that's it...that will see me thru the day... its 5 o'clock somewhere... health; mine, family and friends, even strangers; house - furniture, decorations, colours - the mess the cleanliness (this is tough living with 4 boys); the car - its a wardrobe, lunch box, medicine cabinet, jewellery stand, dirt pit, refrigerator, Tupperware cupboard, toy shelf and nappy bag...apparently, people are also attracted to it...in ways like running into it when its packed, keying the sides, stealing the light covers....its a million dollar car...which leads me to the million dollar dog...again, a story for another day!! Study; too hard or suck it up and get on with it...?
There is plenty more where that came from, these are the basics...and while all of us think of these things.. I do it daily... many multiple times a day...continuously... Is this normal? am I normal? what is normal? Is this me? who am I? why am I? what am I?...there are so many questions in this world that need answers...some days I feel that they are all in MY head!
I walk into daycare...erkkk..what do these people think of me... do other parents thinks I'm a bad mother, too young, too old? I go to the school assembly...erkkk..do the teachers think im a bogan with bogan kids? am I a bogan? what is a bogan? I could be a bogan...? I walk to the post office...erkkk.. do passer byers see that pimple, is my make up to dark, is my hair to fluffy...? I go to work...erkkk..is my uniformed ironed, am I early enough, am I too early, will I make someones day, will my treatments be good enough? I answer the phone...erkkk...is it good news, bad news, an overdue bill, a sick child to collect - OMG....stop! brain... you need to stop...! why... your killing me... slowly...its like having the hairs on your entire body twezzed...one at a time, well at least what I image it would be like... I am a beauty therapist so I have a pretty good understanding of what that may feel like - torture...! Unless I do it - then I will make it the most relaxing 'every hair on your body twezze' that you have ever had... or will I? Did another beauty therapist do it better? See exhausting right - Imagine how my husband feels!!! he lives with me!
I used to pass out when I hit the pillow...even before I hit the pillow, now I lay there awake... I worry and stress...my perfectly normal abnormal brain turns things into what they are not...normal? I wonder why I think and analyse so much? Do you? I mean, I don't think I'm beautiful and that's why I worry what people think, I don't want a million beautiful possessions, although maybe it would be nice, I don't even want a billion trillion dollars...a million would be enough... but for some reason my brain feels that I am not good enough...It feels that everyone only sees the bad in me.. Do they? Or is it just the simple fact that I don't know who I am, why I am or what I am, that leads me to feel and think like this...? Do I need to answer these questions first? And then my brain will find peace in who, why and what I am? Or will I always want to please everyone but never succeed?
GUILT - WIKIPEDIA states:
Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.[1]It is closely related to the concept of remorse. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_%28emotion%29
Is guilt the reason why I have all these thoughts ? Guilt towards my hubby and kids for working hard, not cooking meals, being at sports events, making craft and having a messy house...? Guilt towards work, for not working hard enough? Guilt towards my family and friends for not giving them enough of myself? Guilt towards myself for putting on weight, drinking too much coffee...or too much wine, not exercising ...not being the best I can? Who knows...?
Why can't I figure out Who I am, why I am, what I am...? I'll see if I can provide you with an answer next post... :)
Much love, and thinking... Xx
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